Sunday, July 25, 2010

Sweet Home Alabama

Today.... was a great day. It was not a particular event, or the order in which events occurred. It just was. Today was the first time I felt family in what feels like far too long. Maybe the question boyfriend asked in the kitchen was the moment of revelation for me, "Has this become our steak night?" Family. I understand that may not make a whole lot of sense to most. But in the midst of life gone awry, I'm finding a center. I'm finding myself. I'm finding my family. I'm finding new friends. I'm finding life. Things are starting to make sense for the first time in a very long time. Clarity. I wish I could provide that same, peaceful, calm center for all my loved ones.

I hate that how even when you've ridden out a storm, you can't just pull someone who is just starting their own healing process out of the turmoil and pain. It's worse when it's multiple loved ones going through a wreck on all different levels. I want to pull everyone behind me so I can block the blows life is dealing to them.

But it's not that way. Everyone must follow their own path to see where the journey of life takes them. In some ways I hate it. I can even feel hatred in that I'm starting to realize I look back and I'm on the other side. There shouldn't be an other side. There shouldn't be so much that just is. The truth is hard to swallow.

I love sunglasses. I love accessories in general, as a side note - I can't get enough of them. Sunglasses started to become a safety item in a way. You can hide behind them. Behind your sunglasses, you may be someone mysterious and intelligent. Mostly, you're someone who can't be read because your eyes can't be seen. You're someone who people don't make eye contact with. You can sit on the sidelines and just be. I realized the other night, I took my sunglasses off - to make eye contact. With people I have come to really like and consider friends. I know, normal people can wear sunglasses and have a conversation. This was somewhat of a huge step for me. I told my best friend, who was one of very few friends I hadn't cut out of my life "Hey - I'm making friends.. I'm actually trusting people. And... I like them." When I go out... the store, the spa, the sports games, etc, I see these new friends, people I know, people who have a smile on their face to see me - because they like who I am. Not who I was, or who they think I should be.

I'm not rushing through each day to the next. I'm finding purpose and routine. I'm finding that I'm really enjoying life and who I am. I love my kids. I love my family.

1 comment:

Learning Lifes Curves said...

YAY for haveing the sence of family again!! :) *hugs*
Huge props on the trusting thing! After everything you've been through new friends will be a nice refresh for you. Glad to see your doing better!!
Lets get together soon.. Bonfire maybe? Our place? ;) hahaha
*Big Hugs*