Sunday, November 2, 2008

Stumbling along

I have to start out by saying that having so many people praying for me is so uplifting. I've sat down a dozen of times to blog without really having much to put out there. I think you run out of things to write when you've run out of things to think.

I have to say this, because I do have something I want to share of a more positive note, to people who clearly do not know me well. I do not put stuff out here on my blog, or say things in life, or live in a way because I like the attention or enjoy pity.

My typical way for years was to be very careful publicly, which I think is a generally good rule. But it didn't work out so well for me.. because in this case, I think most people would have seen the signs long before I did.

Being reduced to public pity is very difficult for me. I'm thankful for my blog readers who choose to comment here that are steadfast people who pray instead of pity. I'm a strong person who doesn't know what to do with most people's pity or heartfelt "do you want to talk sometime" offers.

And the idea that I'm enjoying the attention that is brought to me in this time of my life is clearly absurd. I'd give up all attention from any friends for the rest of my life if that meant I could wake up tomorrow and this was just a bad dream that didn't really happen. So do me the favor and don't read my blog if you're such a naysayer.

With that out of the way.....

I'm desperately craning my neck, turning my ear toward heaven, listening for any word that I might hear. I'm trying to seek God and cling to the "rock of my salvation" as it's all I have that is sure. In many tear filled prayers and calloused cries asking God what He was thinking and where He was, I've spent most of my time venting the pain I feel to Him.

In one of the early days when I was in too much shock and raw pain to even hear Him or feel His presence I received 2 e-mails from 2 different people within minutes from each other. These people don't know each other and clearly this was a God thing. They both said they felt they should share the same passage of scripture to me. Maybe this would be somewhat coincidental if it was from Romans or something - but it was from Habakkuk! Did you know people actually read that part of the Bible? ;-) (that was a joke!!)

A week ago in a moment of prayer when my heart actually started to quiet down a bit, not reeling with as much emotion, I felt like I should look up Zechariah 2:7-10. In case you couldn't tell by the Habakkuk joke, I don't know the smaller books of the old testament so well... so I really didn't know what to expect. There was a lot to think over in that section, much that spoke personally to me. But what jumped out to me the most was this "for whoever touches you touches the apple of his eye--" That really stood out to me and I didn't have much of a reason why... but it just felt significant.

Last Monday I was traveling to see some friends for a while and was feeling a bit nervous on my first flight in one of those tiny, rickety planes.. not my idea of fun. So I thought I should read a Psalm first, and planned on reading one I know well that is a favorite. Instead I quickly prayed "Lord, which should I read?" and "17" was the number that was in my mind immediately. I thought it was a mistake. I couldn't remember Psalm 17 being a significant chapter for any reason. Yet I read it anyway and what did I see when I got to 17:8 but this "Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings"

All of a sudden I felt like God is trying to slowly reaffirm to me that I am the apple of his eye, dear to His heart. He hears my words, my feeble attempts to pray, my stumbling along sort of attempt at faith, the cries of anguish, it is all laid out - as if I've been emotionally gutted and He sees it all, knows it all, understands it all. And He chooses to speak to me that I am the apple of His eye.

I didn't know that phrase was in the Bible once much less twice. To be reminded of how cherished and loved I am by the King of Heaven really meant so much. It's something to hang on to when the going gets rough.

So this is where I am today. Thank you for your prayers.


Rissa said...

I'm glad to read this. It brings me joy to see that you are aware of how the Lord feels about you - even in such difficult times. He is so good - what a wonderful Father, that he reveals such things when we need it most.

This may seem silly, but my mom put out a children's album when we were kids, and before she even began recording it, she'd start by singing the songs to us (me and Sam) while driving in the car - perhaps to see how they caught on with little people. This song, "The Apple Song," is one of the first I remember her singing to us, and later, my brother sang it on her album:

I am the apple of my Father's eye
He loves and cares for me
I'm his delight
He watches over me all day and night
I am the apple of my Father's eye

He is my hope, he is my strength
He is the song in my heart
He is my joy, he's my best friend
His love for me will never end!

I just felt like I should share that with you. While it's a simple children's song, it holds a lot of biblical truth. I find myself singing it quietly, on occasion, when considering the way the Lord feels about me. Sometimes, it helps to see it in such simple terms.

I love you. I hope this comment wasn't too random! You are ever in my thoughts and prayers. I hope your trip this past week was wonderful, relaxing, and warm. :)

Marisa said...

Katie, thank you so much for your transparency... for sharing your heart! I want you to know that at one point in my life I felt such soul-searing agony as well. Our circumstances may be similar or different, but it felt near impossible to put one foot in front of the other for a long time. But God is faithful! He will see you through! I am so glad you continue to seek Him! I don't know if Psalm 103:1-5 would be helpful, but that was one of the many passages that gave me hope in such a difficult time. You will continue to be in my prayers!

Jenn said...

Katie, You have been on my heart and mind so much over the past couple of weeks. Every time you came to mind I stopped and prayed for you. I will continue in this.

Amy @ Park City Girl said...

Hi Katie ~ You've been on my heart and mind often the last few weeks. I continue to pray for you and your family as you are brought to mind. I'm so glad that you are able to be honest about where you are at, and know the He loves and cares so deeply for you. Hugs

redeemed said...

I don't know what you're going through but I pray for you often. God is faithful to find us where we are. Have you ever heard the Jennifer Knapp song called "Peace" - its beautiful. I just thought of it as I re-read your post.

And anyone who has communicated to you that you are doing this for pity or attention ... I think you should send them my way. Some people just need to learn when to keep their mouths closed. I'd be glad to remind them of it for you. :-)

Eliza Ray said...

I love you!!

Kathryn said...

Oh, Katie, thank you so much for sharing that. God is so good! He is so faithful, and He loves us so much!

He has spoken to me the same way in the past, and He continues to reveal His goodness, grace, and mercy.

May He richly bless your faithfulness and obedience!

Mrs. Querido said...

I am so glad that you are finding comfort in His Word.

Still praying for you :)

danica said...

You're in my prayers as I go about my days. The path of the righteous shines brighter and brighter (Prov 4), and I know that in His goodness, He's leading you to that light. And I'm so blessed to know that your heart is ready to hear the Lord speak, and that in the middle of tumult, He's telling you more and more of the depths of His love for you. Incredible. What an amazing God we have.